Expert Systems and Neural Networks

Expert systems and neural networks, while they have many of the same letters, are two different things. An expert system uses existing information to make decisions about things it knows. An expert system is similar to a person who is an expert in a particular field, except for the fact that an expert system lacks common sense. It can only make decisions based on clearly presented data that it possesses information about. In contrast, a neural network can take in information and determine how the information is related, any patterns that may appear, and what it means. A neural network attempts to function in much the same way as a human brain functions, with many neurones connecting to each other and processing data in different ways.

These two different ways of handling decision-making also have some things in common. For example, they both have the letters "e", "t", "s", and "r" in them (they may have more than just these letters in common, but I am slightly cross-eyed due to an extreme intake of alcohol last night and I can't really see straight).  Another thing these two topics have in common is that they are both very confusing to me, especially neural networks. I'm not really sure what a neural network is, to be honest. If you are doing research on the topic and somehow ended up here reading this, I strongly advise you to leave the page now, because this information will most likely not help you in any way. I also think that if you're doing research on a topic like expert systems and neural networks, you may be fairly intelligent and so I ask you to refrain from any name-calling while reading my sub-par articles.

This leads me to my next topic: sub-par-marines.  Sub-par-marines are almost the same thing as regular submarines, except these submarines are pretty shitty, hence the title sub-par-marines. A sub-par-marine is made of plastic instead of metal, has no engines, and cannot submerge itself underwater. You may be thinking this sounds like a pretty worthless machine and you would be right. In order to even get from point A to point B in a sub-par-marine you must hang off the side of it and use your hands to paddle. It does, as you may suspect, take a very long time to get anywhere. In fact, I have never actually even been able to get it to move on my own. I paddled for like 3 days straight one time and even tried hanging off the back and kicking with my feet to no avail. The only way I have been able to get anywhere on  a sub-par-marine is by employing a tug boat to tow my sorry ass wherever I need to go.

They are not very good investments and I would not recommend anyone try buying one. They cost almost as much as regular submarines (like $20,000 per square foot, give or take a few hundred thousand) and I can't even live in it because there are no lights and it's incredibly dark in there. I tried exploring when I first got it, but I didn't have a flashlight and the battery on my phone died, so I ended up lost for 2 days, scared shitless, before a rescue team was sent in to find me (and only 2 out of those 4 guys ever made it back out of the sub-par-marine). I haven't been back in there since that incident. This useless monstrosity just sits in my neighbor's swimming pool now (it's a very large swimming pool, my neighbor is the YMCA) and mocks me every time I walk past (ok, that's the lifeguards that mock me, but fuck them they have a sub-par-marine in their swimming pool and will be out of jobs soon, because nobody wants to swim with a sub-par-marine). Anyways, I suppose I am stuck with this thing for a while, until somebody on craigslist finally comes and takes it off my hands for the low-low price of $35 million (seriously, don't ever buy one of these things).